Failout 3
by Ninjaholic
Summary: Out of all the man eating abominations, crazy pre war government morons,and techno religious dickheads in the wasteland. Lone Wanderer only truly hated one thing: His stupid name.
1. And let it begin badly

I remember it like it was yesterday… well, it _was_ yesterday when it happened, but that's not the point.

Before I could tell the story however, a dying super mutant crawled towards my feet, its lower torso gone from a grenade blast, thrown by yours truly. It left a trail of blood and organs as it continued to slither towards me slowly. It would've been intriguing if wasn't so, y'know, really disgusting. I looked around and saw the bodies of the dying super mutants friends around me, all of them bullet riddled and some filled with shrapnel from my detonated grenade. One body was literally cut into pieces, yeah, that was by me too.

"Phew." I exhaled calmly as I reloaded my combat shotgun and wiped the Super Mutant blood off my trusty combat knife. "All in a day's work, I really should stop randomly going Jack the Ripper on some people just because they wanted to politely ask me for directions though…"

"Waggggh! Why am I here! What is the point of me! Where the fuck is Carmen Sandieg-" The mutant wailed before I blasted his face with a round of shotgun pellets.

Shut up, random Super Mutant. Story time.

So anyway, before I was _rudely_ interrupted. _That_ day, the day I left Vault 101. My home, my sanctuary, the place where I actually had a childhood, I had friends, brain dead friends who I theorized were born from incest, but still… friends. That was what Vault 101 was for me.

In some ways, okay a lot of ways, it was also my prison.

Hey don't get me wrong, growing up in a compact bunker buried in rock, with the exact same morons that you knew for 19 years is definitely my definition of fun.

Hopefully some of you got that _that_ was sarcasm.

Trust me, a man can only go so far, listening to the vault PA saying: "The Overseer's authority is absolute" for the billionth time before he wants to brutally slaughter everyone that's near his vicinity.

I know I've had plenty of those days.

But before I get way too ahead of myself here, which I probably already did. I need to jump back, like _way_ back.

Like to the day I was born kind of back.

**Jefferson memorial-July 13 2258**

The first thing I remember about the day I was born was the bright shiny light.

I found it strange that I remembered some memories in the years before I was 3. Then again, logic didn't exactly hit me till I was eleven so I couldn't care less at that time.

Anyway, I remember seeing this mystery woman pull me out my mom's womb and my dad was right behind her.

"Let's see" dad said "Are you a boy or a girl?"

Seeing that the question was obviously not rhetorical, my non-existent 2 second year old brain hoped that I would be a boy.

"Oh I'm just kidding with you!" said dad in a frighteningly unconvincing tone.

"Look Catherine!" he exclaimed happily, "A beautiful, healthy baby boy!"

"Oh! Oh James oh we did it! A son!" My mother gasped in exhaustion from labor.

My father then turned to me, taking off his medical mask to show a soft smile on his face.

"Your mother and I have been talking about a name for you" he kept smiling, "What do you think about… The Lone Wanderer?"

I personally thought it was the stupidest name ever, and hoped they would come to their senses and change it.

"That's a good name don't you think?" he continued, clueless, "Fits you perfectly"

"_Oh god no!" _My tiny little baby brain screamed inside my head. "_Mom, please tell dad how much of an idiot he's being right now!_"

"Very ominous and has plenty of underlying messages" Mom chimed in happily, her breathing ragged.

"_NO, MOM! You're the female scientist here, not the Governor of fucking Alaska; you should have the brains in this decision!_" I thought, terrified.

The mystery women, who I assumed was behind dad the whole time, poked her head from behind dad's shoulder. "Umm… are you sure you don't want to name him something that's less… retarded? Like Charleston? Garrington? Or how about Craig? I really like Craig." The mystery lady offered.

I squealed with joy that only newborn babies could squeal. "_Thank you, Mystery Lady! I shall now be forever known as… Craig!"_

To my horror, both my parents shook their heads. "We think the name Lone Wanderer is the perfect name for him, and will no doubt bring him never ending happiness and safety till the day that he diessssssss." My parents said in unison.

"_My smooth baby ass it will!"_ I mentally yelled. "_How are you guys my parents?"_

A small machine with a screen being shoved onto my face interrupted my thoughts.

"Oh look, the gene projections are done. Let's see what you'll look like in the future _unnecessarily_!" Dad grinned with excitement.

"Oh look Catherine!" my father said, looking at the small screen, "It's our son in the future!"

"Oh, very strapping!" she giggled like a school girl.

I pretended that her comment didn't _completely_ creep me out.

"James? Are you sure that gene projection is completely accurate?" asked my mother.

"Well it should" dad said, chuckling "I spent so many caps for this baby that I had to cut back!"

He petted the gene projector affectionately, "I even cut back on buying those anti-cardiac arrest chems,"

Yeah, I didn't realize the stupidity of that decision at first either.

"See Catherine?" dad said, "I told you we didn't need the-"

He was interrupted by the loud beeps screeching from the cardiometer. It was then that I realized that my mother was having a cardiac arrest. Which I really kinda saw coming. My dad however… well, he was at lost for words.

"Oh shit!"

Well maybe a couple.

"Catherine! Oh god, she's going into cardiac arrest!" Dad cried, screaming like a little girl.

"Get Lone Wanderer out of here, move, move!" he said to the mystery lady that I'll never meet, ever.

As the mystery lady wheeled me out the room, the only thing that forever scarred me for life, the one thing that haunted my mind from that day on was the horrible event that just occurred.

Dad decided to keep the name.

**I just wanna thank everybody who even bothered to read my first fic, to the end too! I would be lying if I said that this wasn't inspired by Flopsie's "Fallout: The Novelisation". If any of you have some constructive criticism, lay it on me. Just please make it constructive. I know I probably made a lot of mistakes typing this fic. Including making LW's parents seem like they're on PCP, but hey it is a parody. Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed it and hope you guys leave some reviews**. **I will try to improve on everything, grammar, comedy, and pretty much everything else :P. For now, I bid you all adieu. **


	2. Demonic Books and Character Development

The next only thing I remember about my childhood was when I was one.

Dad, in a surprisingly smart move, decided to keep me in baby pen.

"Oh isn't this great, Lone?" asked my father excitedly. "The vault overseer gave you and me this playpen as a welcoming gift!"

Me, well, I was too busy trying to get out of the playpen to listen.

"There were a lot of themes that came with them, like the _vault-boy_ theme, the _Nuka-cola _theme, the _Shawshank _theme…"

I proceeded to violently bang my head against the play pen.

"So I decided to go with the _metaphor_ theme! The same theme our apartment has" Dad said, absolutely delighted. "Aren't I so clever?"

No, you really aren't. Thank god that mom had the dominant genes, nothing bad that I can inherit from _them_ at least.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you this, but your mother had hereditary heart cancer that was passed through her family line for ages. That means there's a high probability that _you_ will get it! Isn't that great?" my dad said cheerfully.

I hate this man.

"Anyway, I'm going to go break into the overseer's office to find data that'll help with my lifelong project that I'll completely abandon you for, thinking that you'll be safe, until it turns out that I unwittingly threw you to the wolves" dad said as he wagged his finger in front of my face, "so stay in the playpen"

Trust me when I say that it took _all_ the self control that my one year old self could muster to not bite off his finger and use it as a chess pawn.

As dad finally walked out the room, I still was ramming my whole little body at the play pen gate. That didn't work. At all. As I lay sprawled in front of the gate, about to give up, I spotted small piece paper attached to the gate labeled: "instructions". Due to my super baby intelligence, I was able to read the instructions. "To open gate, simply lift latch" it read.

_Wait a second, now that I think about it, why didn't I think of that! I'm a super baby genius for Christ sakes!_ Ugh, I threw the thought aside as I continued reading.

"It's so easy, that a one year old could do it! Ps. any parent who owns this play pen is a total brain dead moron."

_Oh they have _no_ idea_ I thought as I lifted the latch.

At first I marveled at the toys spread around the room, trying to decide which one I would play with first, that's when I spotted it. It didn't look like much at first glance, blue background, a baby vault-boy, and the title: "You're SPECIAL!" emblazoned on the front. Just a regular children's book.

But, it didn't feel that way at all. It was like the book was my destiny or a big part of it anyway. It was like it _was_ me. I quickly picked it up and read through the pages. Each page had a word on it and a number. Strength 7, Agility 7, Charisma 6, etc. It was like that for all the words and numbers except one: Intelligence 10.

_What the-? How?_ I thought

I went through the other pages, trying to look for an answer. Until a folded piece of paper fell out from the book. I quickly unfolded it and read that it was a contract. Signed by dad!

It pretty much just said that dad's "Transfer of intelligence to sole heir" was completed. Was this why dad was such an idiot all the time? Because he gave his intelligence to me?

Well, _someone_ felt like an asshole.

_Why would he do that, though? _I thought _the contract said that he had at least 7 INT. Why would he give me 5 of his INT?_

Guess the remaining 2 INT. explains how dad didn't swallow a live grenade thinking it was food by now, _yet_.

It was at that time that dad walked in and noticed me reading the contract.

"Ah, so you found it huh, kiddo?" he said with a sigh "I was hoping to hide it till you were older"

Yeah great idea, hide whatever you're hiding from your child in a _children's _book. After this recent revelation, I kind of understood dad. But he was still an f*cking moron.

As dad kneeled in front of me, he proceeded to explain that, after mom died, he promised himself that he couldn't let the same happen to me. So he made a deal with this scientist that he met at Rivet city, Pinkorton. The deal was: give his son the intelligence as bright as a thousand suns, or Star Paladin Cross would use Pinkorton's spine to play jump rope.

Pinkorton heartily agreed of course, but there was a catch. Pinkorton needed dad's intelligence to add to mine. Dad agreed to give 3 of his, Pinkorton went with went ahead and gave me 5.

If I was ever going to meet this Pinkorton fellow, I would definitely high-five this guy. Then shoot his face with a shotgun for leaving me here with dad.

Dad then led towards a framed… poem?

Dad noticed my confusion and started to explain.

"Lone, this is a passage from the bible" he said, "a book used by followers of Christianity that managed to, for some reason, piss off everyone else"

Dad shrugged "The Jews were cool with it, though"

"Anyway, this particular passage was your mother's favorite" dad continued, "Oh, and the numbers aren't important so don't bother remembering it"

Dad then proceeded to stand up "Oh enough of my ramblings, come on, it's time for your play date with Amata!"

He took me by the hand and we proceeded to walk out the apartment. As we left, I looked behind me to see that the vault-boy on the cover of the book. His eyes were glowed demonic red.

Something told me that dad sold a lot more than his INT. to ensure that I'd never die…


	3. A dick move and a crappy party

**Before the shenanigans hit the fan, I want to thank everybody who reviewed, you guys are the reason why I slave away writing this fic and making it funny, or trying to anyway. To everyone who reviewed, you guys rock ^-^**

I'm sure most of you would just _love_ to hear about the next nine years of my life.

I don't blame you.

See, what happened in those nine years were what I considered one the most epic chapters of my life. At the time of course. The gang wars over hallwa- I mean territories, the riots over whether to switch all the vault-tech light bulbs to fluorescent ones, plus the fact that there was a vault-wide radroach infestation, so the vault Overseer ordered the vault security to exterminate all of them.

The extermination was known as: "the day of never-ending girly shrieks".

To this day, I still hear the girly screams echoing through the hallway… wait, isn't the vault security all male? Anyway, there was that, oh, and Butch's mom tried to restart the Third Reich.

You'd love hearing all this wouldn't you? Unfortunately, I'm a dick, so I'll just skip over to my tenth birthday.

Well it started like every great birthday should, by _blinding the shit out of the birthday boy._

After I was done screaming in agony, I noticed people around me clapping, well half-heartedly anyway… Doucheweeds.

To my horror, my dad then walked up to me. Grinning ear-to-ear, which made him look like a complete asshat, props to him.

"Happy birthday, Lone Wanderer!" he said enthusiastically, "Oh, you've grown up so fast!"

I cringed at the mentioning of my name, but instead of disagreeing with him like usual, I just nodded my head.

Then the vault overseer/fuhrer, to my surprise, walked up to me.

"Congratulations, young man" he said while twirling his totally not bad guy moustache.

Don't get me wrong, if anyone was eligible to become the next Adolf Hitler, this guy would be like the 5th best candidate.

Probably why he joined Butch's mom's Nazis-R-Us club.

"I'm sure you know" he continued, "Now that you're ten, you'll be ready to start your slav-, I mean, vault responsibilities"

He then handed me a pip-boy, and proceeded to duck walk away while angrily screaming in German.

After I put the pip boy on, I then walked over to doormat, uh, I mean my "bff" Amata.

She had a big smile on her face and held something behind her back. Which was kinda off putting, actually.

"Hey, Lone" she said happily, a big smile on her face. "How do you like the party?"

"I'm glad that I can talk now" I replied angrily, "Finally!"

"What?" she said obviously confused.

"Nothing, hey, what's that behind your back?"

"It's your birthday present, silly!" she said "Guess what it is!"

I held back saying it was a throwing knife ready to fly at my throat, so instead I said:

"A date with Christine Kendall?"

"Eww, no!" she replied in disgust, "We wrestled each other over a song holotape last week, remember?"

"Ohhh yeaaahh" I sighed dreamily, _hello_ puberty!

"Ugh, boys" she huffed, shaking her head. She then pulled out a copy of _Grognak the Barbarian_ from behind her back.

"Here, happy birthday!" she said, handing me the comic.

"Oh hey, a rip-off of a comic that everybody's heard of, but never read" I said, _totally _ecstatic,

I then mentally kicked myself for being a dick and managed to utter, "Thanks".

Pleased with herself, Amata then moved on to do I don't care.

_Hmm_ I thought, _it's my party, I should probably mingle with the other kids_

I then scanned the room and saw that, to my despair,_ there were only four kids that were my age at my birthday party_. The rest were _adults that were friends of my dad_. Dude, this is the most depressing birthday party ever. Seriously, what idiot thought of this?

"Hey, Son!" my dad called from across the room, "Enjoying the party?"

I really had to ask didn't I?

My malicious thoughts of murder were interrupted however, by a kid with… black colored skin, yeah I'm _so_ creative, walking towards me. His name was Paul. He usually hung out with Butch and Wally Mack though.

Googly-eyed, he walked over to me and said, "Oh wow, you got a pip-boy!"

"Yep" I replied, showing him the device, "Pretty cool, huh?"

"Yeah…" he trailed off, his eyes glued to the pip-boy, "You can do _everything_ with it…"

Was that lust in his eyes? Genuinely creeped out, I asked, "Uh, Paul?"

"Eyes up _here_" I continued, pointing at my face.

"Wha? Oh!" he exclaimed, as if snapping out of a trance, "Sorry about that, man. I tend to get… carried away when it comes to tech stuff"

"Its fine, dude" I laughed, "Just do it in your own time"

He nodded, "Yeah, okay", and walked back to Butch and Wally Mack.

The rest of the party was pretty much a bore. Old Lady Palmer gave me a sweet roll that I didn't want, a traumatized Officer Gomez sat in the corner continually screaming stuff like: "They were, like, so small but, like, so UGLY" and "Jimmy, no! Don't step on it! Jimmy, NOOOOO!", The vault overseer totally cocked-blocked when I tried to mack on Amata and then the A-hole Mr. Handy had to go _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ on my birthday cake.

This, of course, upset Bitch, uh, I mean Butch.

"You!" he squeaked, trying to look menacing, it was adorable. "That Mr. Handy cut up the cake!"

I coolly nodded my head in response. "Yeah, Butch. Robots with chainsaws tend to do that."

"Pfft, this totally wouldn't have happened if this was _my_ party" Wally Mack said, "You know, _the awesome one_ I just had?"

"Oh wait, _you_ weren't invited!" Wally McA-hole added.

Wow, nice joke… dick.

"Yeah!" Butch spit, "Now, we don't have anything to eat!"

"Butch…" I sighed, "You know the cake's still _edible_ right?"

"No! My logic is superior to yours! ALL HEIL THE VAULT NAZI REGIME!" Butch screamed as he lunged towards me, fist first.

I easily sidestepped away, stuck my foot out, and tripped him up. He landed right on the sawed up mess that was my birthday cake, face first.

I then put my hands on my cheeks, and yelled, "Oh god! He's trying to RAPE my cake!"

I yelled it with my most innocently scared face, there was even a tear or two. I then pointed at a shocked Butch and Wally.

"Officer Gomez, look!" I shouted, "They work with the Radroaches!"

"Radroaches?" He said, confusion in his eyes. Which was quickly replaced by murderous rage.

Officer Gomez then screamed, "YOU GUYS _KILLED _JIMMY!"

I'm not gonna go into detail over what happened next, let's just say that an ass beating's way more hilarious when the guy who's doing it keeps screaming the name "Jimmy" over and over again.

To my disappointment, the show was interrupted by Jonas who squawked at me over the intercom and told me to go down to the reactor level for a "surprise".

It was a pedophilia joke just waiting to happen.

I didn't care though; I just wanted to get out of that stupid party. So I hightailed outta there and jogged right on down to the reactor level.

Jonas, who I just remembered as the _other_ black guy in vault, came up and greeted me.

"Hey, kiddo" he said, all smiles behind his thick glasses. "Happy birthday, we got you a present"

"We?" I replied, clearly confused.

"Yes, we" said a voice that could only be my dad's as he walked into the room.

He was awkwardly holding something behind his back, but I could already tell it was a bb gun.

For the first time since forever, I actually smiled. A real smile. Of course, I must have looked like a psychotic murderer or something, because dad and Jonas looked like they were about to piss their pants.

"Here y-you g-go kiddo" dad said nervously, handing me the bb gun. "Let's go try that bad boy out on some targets, eh?"

"Aww, can't I _show_ Butch and Wally my new _toy_ first, dad?" I replied innocently.

"he he, I'm afraid we can't do that, son" dad laughed nervously, failing to hide his terror.

I shrugged and said "whatever". I'll get them later. Besides, I'm going to need that target practice. So dad and Jonas led me to some targets that they set up behind some crates.

I squeezed the trigger, and got a satisfying BANG!

Bullseye.

Shooting the gun felt invigorating, and I quickly squeezed out two more shots. Both bullseyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something small scurry around. Radroach, no doubt a survivor of the "extermination". Man, vault security sucks.

"Hey, dad, look" I pointed at the radroach, "can I shoot it?"

He kneeled down in front of me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Now, son. You have to appreciate the fact that every living thing has a life"

He stood up, and turned away from me. Still babbling on, "Radroaches, mierlurks, Keanu Reeves, etc. No matter how disgusting they are, or how terrible their acting skills, you can't just kill th-"

BANG!

"Headshot! Oh yeah!" I yelled while triumphantly fist pumping.

"Ugh, Jonas, just take the picture" Dad sighed, grabbing me and holding me in place for the picture.

Before Jonas took the picture, I had enough time to think that maybe, this birthday might not have been so bad after all, and I smiled at the camera.

That was before Jonas _blinded the shit out of me again_! Of course.


	4. Stupid tests and Forshadowing

G.O.A.T.s suck D.I.C.K.

Let me make one thing clear to all of you, tests suck _ass._

I'm not talking about those tests where you get like half the questions wrong so the teacher angrily yells at you: "How can you fail _astronomy_? Get the hell out of here, dumbass!", because you didn't give a shit. No, this is _way_ worse. **Generalized Occupational Aptitude Test**. Otherwise known as G.O.A.T. This test doesn't just tell you what your vault slave duty will be, but _who you are_ also.

That's _a lot_ of pressure for a 16 year old.

That's like telling a 5 year old boy to get ready for a journey to find himself. It's really, _really_ stupid. Why not a regular test? How about some classes to see which person was best suited towards a certain job? Oh, here's a suggestion: why not have people f*cking _apply_ for the jobs they want? It was total bullshit.

But I had to take it, and I had to get top marks on it. Because, as a genius once said: when life is a bitch, _you gotta slap that skanky ass ho till she knows her place!…_ did I say "genius"? I think I meant pimp, hmm… same difference, anyway.

There I was being given advice from my father who, surprisingly, seemed to have acquired some of his INT. back.

"Remember son, G.O.A.T.'s aren't actual goats" he advised to me, "Therefore, you cannot do questionable things to them while others aren't looking. I had to constantly remind myself of that, and you should too"

Just a little… oh god, why?

"Anyway, you should hurry up and take it while it's still warm…" dad said, catching himself. "I mean… before you're late for the test"

Without saying a word, I nodded and swiftly ran out of the room before I could be traumatized more. On my merry way, I happily waved at my best buddy Amata, who was suspiciously up against the wall surrounded by Butch and his stupid Tunnel Snake gang, as I walked by her.

I never really pictured her as _that_ type of girl, oh well, whatever floats her boat.

"LONE! HELP!" she screamed at me.

"Ugh" I groaned, rolling my eyes. I then turned to face Butch and his merry band of misfits.

"Butch, can you leave her alone?" I said, failing to sound like I cared.

Butch, failing to establish that he was not an stupid goat rapist like my father, puffed out his 16 year old chest and walked up to me.

"Oh yeah, Lone Wan_dork_?" He replied, "What you gonna do about it?"

"Oooh, good one" I replied nonchalantly, "Did you rehearse that to yourself every night?"

"Sh-shut up!" he yelled back, his face red with anger.

"Awww, is wittle Butchie mad that someone outsmwarted his dumbass?" I mockingly cooed, "Is he gonna cry to his alcoholic Nazi momma?"

Now, he looked _really _mad, "Look here, you little pipsqueak. Just cause you outsmarted me once, doesn't mean you can do it again!"

"Cocksuckersayswhat?"

"What?" Butch said, looking like he was having an aneurism.

"Exactly" I simply replied. Taking Amata's hand, I quickly lead her away from the _terrifying_ Tunnel Snakes and to the classroom.

When we both went into the classroom, Amata quickly pulled me aside into a corner of the room.

"Hey… thanks for helping me out, Lone" She said, blushing all the while.

I smiled right back, "Sure, friends always help other doorma-, I mean friends, right?"

"Actually, about that…" She said, nervously rubbing her arm. "I-I've… always had these f-feelings for you since we were kids, and I was hoping th-that w-we could be… you know, m-more than friends?"

Good god she's having a seizure, and it's strangely… cute. She's actually coming on to me? Crap! What the f*ck should I do? I can't return her feelings, that'd be like me having sex with my sister! Actually… that sounds kinda hot. NO! Must stop these thoughts, and think of a way to get out of this conversation!

"Uh, Lone? You okay?" Amata asked, clearly concerned over why I was literally tearing my hair out of frustration.

"Huh? Yeah! yeah I'm cool" I said, looking ironically _not _cool. "Hey, let's go take that stupid test, eh?"

Amata laughed, "Sure, just give me an answer after the test's done"

"Oh, and you aren't Canadian, remember, eh?" Amata added, before bounding off to her seat.

Ahh, Amata. Always being unintentionally racist when she doesn't know it, good times. She really is adorable sometimes, even though I think of her as a sister. I mean, me and her? Nahhhh, besides, I've always been way more into blondes anyway.

I quickly settled into my seat before the test could begin.

Our teacher, Mr. Brotch explained all about the test. Which was pretty much sounded to me like: "Yada, yada… test… yada, yada… vault duties… yada, yada… OMG If I could, I would totally go gay for Lone Wanderer cause he's just _sooo _much more handsomer and cooler than me."

Pfft, and people say _I _have an ego problem. Moving along, the test pretty much went like this:

**Question 1: At a Christmas party, your uncle takes you to a private room where you're by yourself with him. He then asks you to touch his private parts. What do you reply?**

**A)Tell him to stop molesting you or you'll call the police.**

**B)Round house kick him in the balls then to proceed to "Batman" your way out of the room.**

**C)Tell him that your friend Colin is a much better candidate. BTW he totally isn't. **

**D)Tell him to at least buy you dinner first.**

If you couldn't already tell, the test was total bullshit, funny, but bullshit.

But, I answered the best that I could; trying really hard to get the dream job that I wanted. Oh, and to you smartasses out there listening to this tale, yes. That dream job did in fact involve murder, ninja mastery, and banging your mom.

She says hi by the way.

Anyway, I was the first one done with the test, so I handed over to Mr. Brotch, who graded it accordingly and told me the result.

"Hmm, Lone Wanderer, looks like you got _Vault Prostitute_" Mr. Brotch said, eyebrows raised. "Congrats, the vault hasn't gotten one for years, probably cause the last one was brutally rap-, know what, you probably don't wanna know what happened"

I was speechless, like absolutely brain-dead for a few seconds, but quickly regained my composure. "Mr. Brotch, there's gotta be some kind of mistake! Can't you just re-check it?"

After much pleading, Mr. Brotch finally resigned, and re-checked the results. After much, uh, re-checking, his eyes shot up in surprise.

"Oh wow, you were right, Lone Wanderer" Mr. Brotch said, "You aren't the _Vault Prostitute_"

I sighed in relief, "Whew, thank god. Hey, Mr. Brotch, can I ask? Who _is_ the _Vault Prostitute_, then?"

"Oh, why it's Amata, of course" Mr. Brotch chuckled. "Of course, _you_ probably already knew this, haha"

We both laughed and shared a knowing look. I would've said that we both then jumped up in the air and high-fived while yelling "YEEAAAAHHH". But _that_ would have been total overkill… even though that's exactly what happened… don't judge me.

After much high-fiving, _epic_ high-fiving, Mr. Brotch straightened up and told me what my real job was.

"Hmmm, it looks like you got…" Mr. Brotch trailed off, eyes yet again raised. "Psychopathic ninja sniper with ambiguous morality…"

I nodded like everything was normal, "Yup, looks like I got what I wanted"

"Hang on" Mr. Brotch said, signaling for me to stay put. "Lone, it says here that say, hypothetically, if you tried to escape from the vault, no amount of trained security with _firearms_ could stop you… just giving you the heads up."

"Wow, that's good to know" I replied, seriousness in my tone.

"Bit of advice before you go" Mr. Brotch whispered so that only I could hear. "Take no prisoners… comrade"

"...flash bang through the door" I whispered back, smirking. Then we shared that knowing look again. It was then that I was going for the door before Amata could spot me. By then, Mr. Brotch's warning was too late; my foot was already halfway through the door when I heard him yell.

"Lone, wait! They're installing the new fluorescent light bulbs! They can get _very_ brigh-"

You can guess where _this _was going… or ending, whatever.

"Gah! What is up with this vault always _blinding _me half the goddamn time!"


	5. Escaping the vault and tearful farewells

Have any of you ever have those days when your life is just kittens and rainbows, when everything was just great, perfect, _normal_. And then one day those kittens and rainbows are just violently shoved into a meat grinder and turned into a grey-ish pile of mush? Well that's kinda how I felt after Amata woke me up.

Of course, like the good best friend she was, she woke me by obnoxiously screaming at me when our faces were two inches apart.

"Lone? Lone!" she screamed, "Lone Wanderer, c'mon! WAKE UP!"

I quickly sat up, dazed, confused, and _really _sleepy "Huh? Wha-? What's goin' on?"

I quickly turned my head to see the half crazed and hysteric eyes of my best friend. Which, I'm not gonna lie, scared the holy crap out of me.

"Oh my god! What _is _that? It's so_ horrible_! It's…" I trailed off, realizing who I was screaming at. "Oh hey, it's you Amata. That's weird, I was just dreaming about you"

"Lone! Get serious here! This is not the time to-" She abruptly stopped and blushed a little, "Wait… you… dreamt about me?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I was dreaming about graduation. You know, when you and me got _really_ drunk and, uh, had se-"

"No! Don't you _dare_ say it, Lone" she interrupted, face now fully red. "I thought we agreed that that night _never_ happened!"

I put on a hurt face, "Aww, even the handcuffs and the whip cream?"

"_Especially _the handcuffs and the whip cream" she snarled, "You understand, Lone Wanderer!"

I put up my hands in surrender, "Alright, alright. I got it. So, why'd you wake me up?"

She started to tear up. Uh oh, not good, dad must've said something about her weight to her out loud. Again. Gah, that idiot, doesn't he know you're supposed to make fun of Amata's weight behind her back? Whatever, might as well listen to what he did _this time_.

"Lone, it's… it's your father" she whimpered, "He… h-he left the vault!"

I froze and let the information sink in. What followed was absolute, yet still completely awkward, silence. After a while, Amata, who was starting to get worried, reached out towards me.

"…Lone?" she asked softly.

She jumped back in surprise as my fist rocketed up into the air.

"Oh yeah, baby! He is gone!" I happily shouted, still fist pumping in triumph. "I don't have to put with his dumbass ever again! Woooooh!"

"This is not a joke, Lone!" Amata chastised just as I started breakdancing. "My father's men are looking for you, and they _killed_ Jonas!"

"Jonas? You mean that guy that I knew for like two minutes? Nooo! They will _pay_" I angrily roared, abruptly stopping my choreographed break dancing routine .

Amata tearfully nodded, "To make matters worst, there's a radroach infestation. Again!"

"Seriously? Hmm, they're probably back for revenge from last time"

"Probably in bigger and angrier numbers too!" Amata agreed.

"So how's the vault security handling the situation?" I asked.

My question was quickly answered by loud girly shriek that came from the hallway, followed by an "OMG, like totally EWW!"

I shook my head in disappointment, "Looks like they're doing an _awesome _job"

As I shook my head, Amata walked up to me and to my surprise, and utter glee, placed a handgun onto my hand.

"Here, Lone" she said, handing me the gun, "I stole this from my father; you'll probably need it more. I mean, it's not like I'm going to going to get immediately captured after this, right?"

"Yeah, exactly haha" I laughed, "That'd be _completely_ retarded of you"

"Oh, definitely. Anyway, you're going to have to leave the vault, Lone" she said, tearing up again and leaving for the door. "I have to go and not get captured, good luck okay?"

"Alright, hey, thanks Amata" I said to her as she left, and then I was alone. I quickly contemplated my situation. Moronic father escaped vault, only path is to get out of the vault, path is blocked by some vault security with guns being led by a murderous Nazi overlord of an overseer, and finally Amata actually being useful. This was unreal. _This _is what the kittens and rainbows turned into. Fuck.

I gathered up all the supplies I could carry. BB gun, baseball bat, lockpicks, etc. and left the apartment, things were gonna get real hectic real fast, and I was gonna be in the middle of it… yay?

As I left me and my dad's apartment, I quickly noticed Officer Kendall, who was cowering on a chair in corner, surrounded by radroaches who were jumping at him trying to bite him. I easily walked past him, ignoring his pleas for help. One thing for sure though, that dude can shriek like there's no tomorrow.

Hey, here's a question, why are radroaches called radroaches? I know they mutated from radiation, but still, _radroaches_. What next? Gnarlypigeons? Tubularbaboons? Mostexcellentgoldfish? My philosophic thoughts were rudely interrupted however by my sort of arch nemesis, Butch DeBitch, running up to me.

"Hey! My mom's being attacked by radroaches! You gotta help her, man!" he frantically pleaded.

I crossed my arms, skeptical. "She's _your_ mom, Butch. Why don't _you_ save her?"

"I wo-would if I could b-but…" he stammered, "I'm scared of them of them, okay!"

I stared at him in disbelief, "Good god, dude. She's your _mom_, you're really gonna puss out because of this?"

He looked away from me, ashamed. Looking at him like this, I gotta admit, no matter how much he tried to torment Amata and me, and miserably failed at it, I felt sorry for this pathetic sack of crap. Ugh, I gonna have to give in, aren't I?

"Alright, Butch" I sighed, taking out my bat. "Let's go save your mom"

"Yes! Thank you so much, man! You're the best!" he yelled out, overjoyed.

We quickly headed out for Butch's apartment, which was conveniently close by. From the apartment's window, I was able to catch a glimpse of Butch's mom as she was being viciously being bitten by a couple of radroaches. She was most probably screaming in angry German, ha! Where's your Nazi fan club now, bitch?

Anyway, I quickly ran into the apartment, swinging my bat left and right and quickly took out the radroaches. Butch and his mom both ran and hugged each other, thanking the furher that she survived. Blech. Oh well, at least I got a leather jacket out of it.

I quickly left the pathetic mother and son pair and quickly headed for the overseer's office, killing off some vault security and encountering general shenanigans on the way. I finally neared the overseer's office. As I rounded the corner I saw Amata being interrogated by her father and Officer Mack toting a police baton. Wow, I totally did _not_ see this coming, _at all_.

I crouched down, moved closer to the door and listened in.

"Now listen here, sweetheart. You'd better tell us where your little boyfriend is, or your face is gonna be a stick magnet _ver_y soon" Officer Mack said menacingly, gently tapping her face with his stick… wow, that sounded wrong.

Well, time to make my grand entrance, switching to my pistol, I opened the door. Which Officer Mack noticed and looked up in surprise.

"Hey, what th-?" he said, right before the bullet hit his face, and his body slumped onto the floor.

"What's the haps, Fuhrer Dickface?" I said to the overseer as I casually strolled into the interrogation room. "Didn't know that interrogating your daughter was the new 'fad' these days"

"Lone! Thank god you're here" Amata said happily, running to hide behind me. "I didn't tell them anything, I promise."

I gently nodded to her in thanks, "Good job, Amata. Now get out of here, I wanna have a private _talk_ with your dad."

Amata naturally hesitated at this, "Okay, I trust you, Lone. But please don't hurt him, okay?"

"Oh yeah, sure no problem" I replied, "Not like he killed my dad's best friend and sent the entire vault security to kill me, no big deal."

Amata seemingly believed this for reasons you can probably guess, and ran out the door. It was then that turned to the overseer himself, who had observed me and Amata's conversation in eerie silence.

"Now, Mr. Overseer" I said, cracking my knuckles, "Where were we?"

"I hope you're here to turn yourself in, young man" he said to me coldly, "You're in enough trouble as it is."

"Oh yes, that was what I was _definitely_ gonna do" I replied back sarcastically, motioning towards the un-moving body of Officer Mack. "But then these guys just _had_ to get in the way, the meany heads"

"Enough with the wit, young man" the overseer said sternly, "Turn yourself in, or there will be consequences."

"Oh believe me there _will_ be" I said menacingly, taking a couple of steps toward him. "You wouldn't want your daughter hurt badly, do you?"

"…you cold blooded monster" he said, infuriated but defeated.

"Good, now hand me your key and the password"

"Fine, here you go" he said, handing me the key and password. "Don't come back here, I'll have you shot on sight"

"Don't plan to" I simply replied, before my fist slammed into his face. Hard. He was unconscious before he hit the ground. "_That_ was for… wait, what his name again? Was it Jody or Joseph? Oh yeah, Jonas. That was for Jonas you asshole!"

As I walked out of the makeshift interrogation room, I found Jonas' body on the floor of the next room.

"Jonas, no! I only knew you for like two minutes, but you were like a brother to me or something, man" I said tearfully as I looted his corpse. "You will be remembered, I promise"

I then quickly left the body and promptly forgot about it. I found Amata crying in the next room. Wow, it's almost like she was brutally interrogated or something, probably just being dramatic again.

"Hey, Amata cheer up! Look what I found" I said cheerfully, waving the key and password. "Plus, I didn't maliciously and brutally murder your father like I always dreamed of doing. So you owe me"

"Oh wow, that's great, Lone." She sniffed, wiping her tears, "Now, let's get you out of here"

We both hurried over to the overseer's office and easily opened the door with the key, duh, then we entered the password into the big computer. The password was "Amata" awww isn't that precious… and creepily overprotective? Anyway, we found some pretty useful stuff in the computer, I'm not just talkin' about the treasure-trove of porn that we found in there, which I totally didn't download into my pip-boy while Amata wasn't looking.

There was information on the wasteland outside the vault. There was even a settlement nearby called "Megaton", wow that's an even stupider name than mine. Actually no, mine's the epitome of stupid, other than my dad. Plus there was even some info on some giants ants that were known to hang aroung outside the vault. Appropriately labeled: "Holyshitholyshitholyshit big fucking ants!". It had a nice ring to it.

After we read up on the wasteland, we finally opened the secret door under the overseer's desk. And we both entered the secret door, which led straight to the vault door. A giant monster of a machine gate thing. Amata was already working on the control panel.

"Hang on, let me try to open this thing" she said, rapidly pressing buttons on the panel.

There was a banging sound and muffled shouts coming from the locked door behind us. Looks like the rest of the vault security that I didn't slaughter found us.

"Come on, come on!" Amata urged the panel, until there was a loud bleep noise. "Yes! I got it!"

As the vault door opened, it emitted the loudest yet most awesome sound in existence. Me and Amata looked on, awestruck.

I quickly took Amata's hand, "Oh yeah, freedom! Let's go, Amata!"

But she just as quickly took her hand away and shook her head sadly. "I can't, Lone. My place is here, it's my home, I have to stay with my dad, and you have a father out there you have to find"

"You mean the dad that cruelly interrogated you just to kill and find me?" I shrugged, and then smiled. "Okay, good luck with that. Hey, give your dad the finger for me, will ya?"

She nodded, and smiled back, her eyes brimming with tears. "Of course, good luck, Lone!"

And so, I was off. Waving Amata farewell, passing through the vault door, and bursting through the wooden door that led out to the wasteland, I was met with an explosion of reds, browns, and _not_ vault blues. It was fantastic.

As I scanned the horizon, I promised myself that I would find my father, and then beat the shit out of him for leaving me. The father-son bonding would probably come later. But first, I was gonna have a little fun.


	6. Kinda short and Kinda sweet

So… umm, this is freedom huh? Hell yeah?

Look, I'm sorry if I don't sound super mega special awesome excited here. It's just that I never expected freedom to be so… brown.

_Oh well, whatevs_, I thought, rubbing my hands in anticipation. _This is going to be _fun.

I scanned the area, noticing only rocks, dead trees, and oooh, _more_ rocks! This is sooo exciting. That is, until I noticed a giant dark brown structure over yonder. It looked like a giant pile of junk that was on even more junk and layered with a fresh coat of shit. No, seriously, the place looked like it smelled like poo. The info in the Overseer's computer said that it was called "Megaton". It was an obvious place to start my quest to look for my father.

"Hmm, it's a bit _too_ obvious" I said to myself aloud, suspicious. "… I'd better be careful."

And so, with a baseball bat slung behind my back, my trusty pistol at my hip, and tons of porn that was stored in my pip-boy. I began my long, perilous journey…

… by tripping on a rock and painfully rolling down a hill, that just happened to have a lot of small radscorpions waiting down there for me. As they mercilessly pinched my body, I couldn't help but think that a _God_ was just born.

After I dealt with the radscorpions, and by dealt I mean I shot them dozens of times while insulting their mothers, I walked towards the town known as Megaton. Humming the James Bond theme and randomly combat rolling along the way. As I finally reached the main gate, it rumbled pretty loudly as it opened up for me. Hmm, almost _too_ loudly.

I was met with a burly looking gentleman, draped in a dusty overcoat and a _very_ fine looking hat if I do say so myself.

"Hello there, Newcomer. Name's Lucas Simms. Sheriff, law-bringer, and well known ballet enthusiast" the man greeted, offering his hand.

"Hi sheriff, my name's Lone Wanderer, nice to meet you" I replied right back, accepting his hand which easily crushed mine. "Awesome hat, by the way."

Lucas Simms smiled right back "Well, well, well. Polite _and_ well mannered, I think you, me, and my awesome hat are going to get along just fine."

"That's good to hear, sheriff. But I'm wondering… ballet enthusiast?"

"Oh, _that_. Well, son, I might not look it, but under this rough and tough exterior, is a man who longs to show the world what he can do in a tutu…"

"That's… a great dream sheriff…" I said nervously, now pretty terrified. "Anyway, I'm looking for my idiot of a dad, you didn't happen to see him did you?"

To my dismay, not really, he sadly shook his head. "Nope, sorry. Got enough ballet recitals to put out to pay attention to anyone who enters and/or leaves the town, but…"

"… Head to Moriarty's saloon. The Irishman who runs it, Moriarty, might help you with your problem or you can head on over to Jenny Stahl's restaurant, The Brass Lantern, if you're hungry." The Sheriff continued.

"An Irishman who runs a bar huh? That's totally not stereotypical at all" I said aloud thoughfully before I waved goodbye to the Sheriff, who in turn, twirled away. As I made my way up to the bar, I accidentally bumped into a grumpy looking guy in leather armor, who told me in a grumpy voice that his name was Jericho.

"Hey! Watch where yer' goin' you little twerp!" He yelled angrily at my face.

"Hey man, sorry!" I held up my hands in a sign of peace, I seriously did _not_ want pick a fight with guy who was carrying an assault rifle. "Look, I'll buy you some food at Jenny Stahl's restaurant if it makes you feel better."

He looked away in embarrassment, a dark look in his dark eyes that were otherwise dark from being too dark. "I… really don't wanna deal with Jenny right now".

"Heh, why? What did you do? _Rape_ her or something? Hahaha."

"Yeah… yeah I did…"

"oh…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…O-kay, I'm gonna walk away now, bye-bye Captain Rapebeard!" I said as I started to edge away.

"Wait!" He held his hand out to stop me, though it only succeeded in making me reach for my rape whistle. "Thanks for the offer on the food, now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go kick a baby, _twice_"

And so he walked off into the sunset… and yeah, I'm pretty lost on how that interaction was even important too, but I digress.

I finally made it up to Moriarty's saloon, and proceeded to waltz right in like I owned the place. You always have to assert your dominance, except to assault rifle wielding guys in leather, of course.

"WHAT UP, BITCHES!" I roared as I drop-kicked the nearest guy in the bar. He flew across the room and painfully crashed through a window cowboy style.

Dominance asserted.

I took the stunned silence that loomed in the air as a sign that the patrons accepted my _greatness_.

I casually strolled up to counter, where a zombified looking dude was messing with a radio.

"What's up, my good man" I greeted him in a gentlemanly manner, "Care to tell me who owns this fine establishment, if you please?"

"Sure, Mister" He replied, "The guy who owns this bar and me is Mr. Moriarty and… wait, you're not screaming in pure terror or trying to beat my brains out at the fact that I'm a ghoul… what gives?"

I simply looked at him, brow raised. "Trust me, dude. I hate _everybody_ equally. I'm not prejudiced, Mr…?"

"I'm Moriarty's 'bitch', least that's what he calls me when no one's looking. The name's Gob, Mister…?"

"Lone, Lone Wanderer" I said with gritted teeth, damn I'm _still_ traumatized over this! Come on!

"Well, Mr. Lone Wanderer, I'll be glad to call Mr. Moriarty down for ya." He turned around and yelled out, "Hey! Moriarty! Someone's here to speak to you!"

A sleazy looking man soon emerged from the back room, "I already told you, Gob. Only say my name when you are rubbing my feet!... who's this?"

"He calls himself The Lone Wanderer, sir. Pretty stupid name." He replied back to him. "Careful, he can be a troll sometimes"

Moriarty slowly nodded in understanding, "A troll, eh? How does he do i-?"

"Hey, you know that taste that was in your mom's mouth last night? It was my dee-ock" I yelled out unnecessarily. A huge troll smirk on my face. "Problem, first impressions?"

"Ahh, always prone to loud out bursts I see, just like your father…" Moriarty replied back, evil smirk and all.

"Wait! You know my father? Do you know where he is?"

"Oh no, Lone, I _am_ your father! Bwahaha!" He cackled maniacally.

"… _really_? Just… no. God, I feel all dirty and wrong now."

"All right, all right. Enough with the jokes" Moriarty said apologetically, "Your father brought you here when you were just a wee lad. Because when you have a baby, the first thing you do is _bring that baby to a bar_…"

"Yup, that sounds just like my dad" I said, hanging my head in shame, "Damn, I want to punch his face in sooo bad right now…"

Moriarty put his hand on my shoulder, "Listen, I'll make you a deal. _I_ want money, _you_ want to throw your father off a cliff. You get me money, you get your father. Sounds fair?"

I knew he was totally planning to rip me off, this 10 INT isn't just for show you know. But I had no choice, what was I going to do? Hack his terminal? Pfft, fuck that. I'd rather do something productive, like scavenging for lockpicks that are virtually _hard to find_… o-kay, maybe hacking isn't so bad. Still, I don't wanna do it.

"Okay, Moriarty" I said, "Where can I find the caps that will satisfy your dark evil whorehouse of a heart?"

He shrugged, "Try Moira Brown, she's working on a book or something and needs a new assistant…"

I don't why, but some part of my body and brain just screamed out: FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU-


	7. There's something about Moira

Let me ask you a question, did you ever had a friend or met someone that absolutely annoyed the holy living hell out of you? Not like the "Man, this guy is annoying, but whatever. I'm just _that_ tolerant, bitch" kind. More like the "Holy shit, I _really_ want to _clean_ a chainsaw with this guy's _face_" kind of annoyed. It's that kind of person that stirs up the long dormant axe murderer that lives inside all of us. You get the picture. For me, it was Moira Brown.

Now before I get way ahead of myself like I usually do, I'll back up a few. So, I was still at Moriarty's saloon still cursing at the heavens for forcing me to meet this so called _she-demon_. That, by just the mention of her_ name_, set off every "Danger! This person will be the fucking _death_ of you!" alarm in my body, and I haven't even met her! I don't know if it's my super intelligence or my super sixth sense, but _something's_ telling me that shit was about to get _real_. So you can understand my extreme hesitation on leaving the bar and going to meet her. I instead just chatted up with some of the patrons of the bar before I left.

Including the hot prostitute Nova, with awesomely _subtle_ flirtation.

"So, Nova… Do you work at a postal office?" I asked her smoothly. "Cause I can totally see you handling my packag-"

SLAP!

_Oh yeah, she totally wants me _and_ my subtly _I thought as I lay dazed on the ground, stupidly grinning like a total ass-hat.

My awesome view of the ceiling however, was interrupted by a guy looking down at me. He was wearing a leather jacket, a bandana wrapped around his head, and, get this, a fucking _eye-patch! _

Words cannot describe how much I wanted to be this man.

"You okay down there, buddy?" Magic eye-patch man said down to me. A "Dude, you just got your ass handed to you by a _prostitute_. I've known _kittens_ that could put up a better fight" look on his face.

Totally hiding the fact that I was affected by his un-godly eye-patch, and failing at it, I quickly got back on my feet, dusting myself off. "What, me? Yeah I'm okay! No need to worry."

"Oh really? That's odd" Eye-patch said, scratching his goatee in confusion. "Cause, normally, when Nova floors someone, they usually end up out cold or at least scarred mentally in some way. You must be somebody special."

"Finally! Someone who can appreciate my future greatness!" I yelled out happily, flashbacks of the S.P.E.C.I.A.L book from my childhood flooded into my mind.

Eye-patch laughed, "hehe, whatever you say, buddy. Oh, I haven't even introduced myself yet, have I? The name's Billy Creel."

I was about to point out to him that "Magic eye-patch man" was a _much_ better name, but Billy seemed alright. So I let it pass. Hmmm, "The Piratenator" is a pretty good one, either that or "Rapeman"…

"Nice to meet you, billy. They call me The Lone Wanderer" I said proudly. "The future ruler of this… desolate… depressing… dangerous… wasteland… Yeah, why do I want to do this again?"

"Because, despite all the things that you just said, the capital wasteland still kicks ass!" Billy replied cheerfully, "Oh, and nice self-proclaimed title, that would be _seriously_ depressing if that was your actual name…"

"Umm, yeah. About that…"

We stared at each other, a silent understanding passing on between us.

"Well, whatever right, Lone Wanderer?" Billy exclaimed, cheerfully putting his arm over my shoulder in a sign of friendship. "Who needs a normal, and not stupid name, right? Come on, let me introduce you to the good people of Megaton!"

Billy then dragged me all over the bar, introducing me to its patrons. From the friendly ones to the joyfully hammered ones to the ones who were most likely planting some special mentats into their date's drinks for some "fun time" later. Now _this_ is bar that I can appreciate! Not that we had one in the vault, since our _glorious _overseer felt that alcohol would lead to stuff like _enjoyment_ or _fun_. Pffft, stupid Nazi. Anyway, it turns out that Billy had an adoptive daughter named Maggie, and he soon introduced me to her.

"Dawwww, well aren't _you_ an adorable piece of jailbait?" I cooed as I bent down and patted her on the head.

"I know right!" Billy laughed, "She's a prison sentence that's just _waiting _to happen!"

Don't you just love it when you meet someone who loves pedophilia jokes as much as you do?

After he was done introducing me to everyone, Billy bought me some drinks and we exchanged stories of our pasts… Well, more like me telling him about my journey to find and beat the shit out my idiot of a father, then ranting that I couldn't even _enjoy_ having drunk sex with best friend Amata, since we were both, you know, drunk as shit. I even got to play tag with Maggie. It was a blast.

As I bid farewell to Billy and Maggie, Billy had one piece of advice for me before he went off to tuck Maggie into bed. "One more thing, Lone. You see that man sitting in the corner?"

He pointed to a pretty suspicious looking man, who had a suit on, as well as a fedora and tinted glasses.

I nodded, "Yeah, I see him. Douchy suit, douchy hat, douchy glasses. Laughs maniacally every five seconds. This guy practically _radiates_ Prick-head."

"Good, stay away from him, Lone. He's definitely gonna be trouble, I can just feel it…"

"Yeah, alright. I wasn't planning to anyway" I agreed, before high-fiving Billy as sign of our new eternal friendship, and I even patted Maggie on the head again. "It's good that I met you and Maggie, Billy. God knows that I'm gonna need a lot of friends in the journey ahead."

"Good luck with finding your father, Lone. With all the dangerous creatures, Super mutants who will most likely use your mangled body as a toilet, robots with laser beams, and the occasional _giant radscorpion that's on steroids_. You're going to need it…"

Wow, thanks for the vote of confidence, dick head.

As Billy and Maggie walked away, Maggie turned her head around and yelled out "See ya later, Mr. Stupid Name!"

Heh heh, I like that kid. Reminds me of me when I was her age… Oh wait, I was a friggin' _genius _and a guy at that age, never mind.

As I headed for the exit, I heard someone yell "Hey! Wait!" behind me. I turned around and saw one of the patrons that Billy introduced to me earlier. What was her name again? Oh yeah. Lucy West.

"Hi, Lucy." I greeted her, "Do you need something or what?"

She coughed nervously, looking at everything in the bar _except_ for me. As if she was embarrassed. "Mr. Lone Wanderer, can you do me a favor?"

I was pretty suspicious of course, but then again, Lucy was pretty hot. So who was I to deny her a _simple favor_, right?

See, this where the word _ironic_ really kicks in.

"Well, I want you to deliver this message to my family in Arefu." She explained nervously, "I'd go myself, but I don't think that I can handle the wasteland…"

"... So you figure that a random guy with a gun could do it for you" I replied, "Sure, why not? Not like there's going to be _vampires_ or anything right? Cause that would be just plain out _stupid_."

Lucy nervously laughed, "Ha ha ha, yeah… vampires… stupid…"

I put my hand on her shoulder in comfort, "Don't worry, Lucy. I'm sure your parents are fine and _not_ killed and eaten by your brother."

And with that, I left Moriarty's bar and headed for The Craterside Supply to begrudgingly pay a visit to Moira Brown… Ugh, I think just felt a massive chill go up my spine. As I arrived at the store, I couldn't help but think how pretty dumpy the place looked. I had to force myself to walk step-by-step to the door, and finally opened it.

And guess what? The inside was even _more_ dumpy looking than the outside! Surrrrrrprise! Ahem, anyway, other than the whole look of the place, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be-

"Oh hiiiiiiii there! Welcome to the Craterside supply! Yay!" A voice interrupted my thoughts. It was a voice that was so irritatingly cheerful and annoying that it would make _Gandhi_ want to whoop somebody's ass. A voice that could only belong to one human being. _Her_…

Moira Brown.

"Umm, hello." I through my teeth, barely trying to contain my desire of throwing a chair at her. "I heard you were looking for an assistant for your book?"

"Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!" She yelled out enthusiastically. Like _waaaay_ too enthusiastically. "I'm so glad that you came! My last assistant just 'quit' recently, so it's perfect timing that you're here!"

"… I'm sorry, but why did you're last assistant quit?"

"Cause he's too busy being a super mutant's tooth pick, silly!" she said as if there was nothing wrong, even though there was _everything_ wrong with what she just said.

Great, she's even more _clownshit insane _than I thought she was… This is sooo gonna blow.

"O-kay… so what do you want me to do for your book?" I asked, pretty terrified at what her answer was going to be. "Can I get a list or something?"

"Oh that's easy. Let's see here…" She trailed off for a moment to think before launching into a rapid fire explanation on what my duties were. "You'll be heading into a market that's infested with raiders, get heavily radiated, _go through a minefield_, face an army of mierlurks-"

"And let me guess" I said as I interrupted her. "Get gang-banged by a bunch of deathclaws?"

"Oooooh, yes!" She squealed, jumping up and down in excitement. "We can even name one of those deathclaw _Randy_!"

"Wow, this all sounds pretty overwhelming. Good thing you're coming along with me, right?"

"Oh gee wiz, sweety. Now I can't do that! I have to stay here to do the hard part: writing the book! While you have fun _risking your life, _now doesn't that sound swell?"

Wow, dad. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think there's actually somebody that I want kill _more_ than you.

After Moira asked me to go to the nearby super-mart to get food, I scrambled out of there in a flash. I stood outside the Craterside supply, panting for my breath. Still in disbelief that I escaped with my sanity still intact. I was so busy trying to catch my breath, that I didn't notice a figure decked out in a suit leaning by the door. The prick head from the bar.

"My, my, It seems that you were having trouble with Ms. Brown, Mr. Lone Wanderer" The man said, his tone smug, just like the rest of him. "Perhaps joining a union might help, eh? Hahahaha."

Did he… did he just _laugh_ at his own _joke_? That's it, this guy is going to _die_.

Sensing my murderous intent, Burke quickly backed down and went right into business. Though I still kept my hand on my pistol just in case.

"Now, Mr. Lone Wanderer, may I call you Lone?"

"No"

"Ah, understandable. Since we did just meet each other after all." The man said, with all the self-aware arrogance of a big shot corporate lawyer. "Allow me to introduce myself, _I_ am Mr. Burke."

"Hi, now what the fuck do you want?" I replied back coldly.

"Your politeness humbles me" Mr. Burke retorted. "Anyway, my employer, a wealthy, old gentleman by the name of Mr. Tenpenny, who owns the Tenpenny Tower hotel just south west of here."

For my part I just vaguely nodded along. "O-kay, but what does that have to do with me?"

"Yes well, Mr. Tenpenny often enjoys the view of the wasteland. Except for one little eyesore in the way…" He gestured to the walls of junk surrounding the town. "We need someone to detonate the dormant nuke in the middle of town."

This… Im not gonna lie, this legitimately shocked me.

"So, Mr. Burke…" I trailed off angrily, stupefied at how evil that the man who stood before me was. "You want _me_ to completely _obliterate_ this town and its nice, innocent inhabitants, because some bored, rich, old geezer thinks that it's an _eyesore_!"

Mr. Burke grinned wickedly, a crazed look in his eye. "Why precisely, my dear boy. You will be granted some very _handsome_ benefits, if you so choose to do so"

"Perhaps you may not have noticed, Mr. Burke" I said in low, menacing voice that only he could hear. "But I'm not a cold-hearted, psychopathic killer… well, I _am _a cold hearted, psychopathic killer, but only to the douche-monkeys that deserve it."

"_You_ included." I added, my hand reaching for the pistol at my hip.

"Now, now, before we all start acting like barbarians, I have yet to show you my only ace in the hole. Hopefully it can persuade you otherwise, hmm?"

I laughed right away at the thought, "ha! What 'ace in the hole' can make me want to commit mass genocide, you four-eyed… suit… wearer person you! There is _nothing_ you can say or do to make me change my min-"

"Moira Brown dies"

You know when you're in the middle of a heroic speech and someone says something that completely derails your whole thought process and seriously makes you reconsider what you were blathering on about in the first place?

…Yeah. Me too.

"… S-so what? Just cause Moira Brown dies, doesn't mean everyone shoul-"

"She will die a horrible, _horrible_ death."

"Everyone deserves the c-chance to liv-"

"You know her entire molecular structure? _Gone_"

"No one d-deserves a nuke dropped on th-them…"

"You will _never_ have to hear her voice _again_"

Damn, this dude can seriously convince you to do what he wants. With a sigh of resignation, I hung my head in defeat and held up my held up my hand. "I'll… consider it…"

"Excellent, I will be eagerly awaiting your decision, Mr. Lone Wanderer, hehehe." Mr. Burke chuckled as he handed me a peculiar looking device which I guessed was the detonator. "Don't disappoint me… you will _really_ regret it…"

And with that ominous threat, Mr. Burke soon strode away. Cackling evilly and scaring small children away as he walked… Damn, I hated that guy, though for some reason, I still thought he was kinda cool.

Tossing the detonator around with my hands, I couldn't decide on what to do. I looked behind me and caught a glimpse of Billy and Maggie's house in the distance. Maybe… just maybe Billy would know what to do. I couldn't tell him about the bomb though, I wanted to have options. With that final thought, I quickly walked over to Billy's house, I couldn't help but really think hard on what to do. Problem is, this was what was constantly repeating over and over inside my head.

Which was :Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira dies, Moira _dies_,_ MOIRA DIES_!

... as you can see, I tend to have a one track mind…


	8. Decisions and Not really making them

**Wow… it's been while, huh? How have you guys been? Know what, don't answer. I already feel guilty as it is for leaving this fic for a long time. Long story short, School's been kicking my ass, Skyrim(self-explanatory), countless hours lost on , and I'm actually working on a real life novel that may (hopefully) get published one day. Anyway, here's the new chapter and I promise I won't slack off… that much lol**

**Oh and leave a review if you like it, they make me feel good inside without the teenage angst baggage included! :D**

* * *

"… A _bomb_?"

I nodded. "Yes, Billy. A bomb…"

"An atomic fucking bomb?" Billy said incredulously, shaking his head. "Why would ask me something like that, Lone?"

"Well… I'm asking you if could set an A-bomb off because I kinda have a predicament…"

A lot of you probably know this, but life can suck ass sometimes, always giving you these decisions that make an impact on, not just you, but everyone around you. It's like Mother Nature's on her period, in a "oh shit, if I don't choose the right answer I might not get laid toni- I mean die a _horrific_ death at her hands" kind of way. You know what I mean?

Anyway, I was chilling over at Billy's house, trying to carefully explain my problem without giving too much away. Good thing Maggie was tucked in and asleep upstairs, cause shit was about to go down… word.

"What kind of predicament are we talkin' about here?" he asked, his eyebrows raised.

I hesitated, fidgeting and looking all over the place. Yeah, real smooth operator over here. "Okay, so let's just say that this god-in-human-form guy had a choice, between saving all his new friends from being blown to hell via nuclear powered explosion… or letting the bomb detonate juuuust to kill one person that this amazingly handsome man hated with all his guts… what would you choose?"

"What? That's so stupid! _One_ person? Unless that person is _Robot Hitler_ that time traveled his steel plated Nazi ass over here, I don't see a reason why people have to _die_ just for one perso-!"

"It's Moira."

"Oh… then that's kinda justifiable."

"I know right!" I shouted in excitement, though I kept it down since Maggie was asleep. "So you know where I'm coming from, then?"

Billy awkwardly scratched his head in response. "I mean I guess. But do people really have to die just to make sure that Moira does?"

"Did you really just ask that?" I said, a grim look plastered on my face.

"…you're right, what the fuck have I been smoking." He sighed in resignation. "Okay, fine. So let's say that you _did_ set off the nuke. What if Moira survived and turned into a ghoul or some other mind numbing bullshit like that. What then?"

"Pfffffffft, hahahahaha! Seriously? Why the hell would the developers do that?" I laughed while pretentiously breaking the fourth wall. "They must be sadists or something if they actually did it!"

"You have a point there…"

I collapsed onto my seat in exhaustion, as well as frustration. "I don't know what to do, dude. These decisions are hard!"

Billy was silent in thought for a while before finally answering. "I've got it! Look, why don't you think on your decision… while we all go on a journey!"

He actually looked excited. Pretty much jumping up and down. I couldn't help but smile, gotta love them kooky friends, right?

"A journey?" I asked. "Where to?"

Billy grinned devilishly. "The Republic of Dave."

Billy took the time to explain to me what "The Republic of Dave" was. It was a small settlement far northeast of the wasteland. "Ruled by a moron who rules over more morons" as I'd like to put it. The thing the interested me most though, was that it was rumored that Dave kept a seriously powerful hunting rifle in his vault. Ol' Painless. I salivated at the thought of owning the rifle and using it on countless creatures and scumbags of the wasteland.

"So what do ya think?" Billy asked, "You up for some nation invasion, or what?"

I smiled, "Billy, if the Republic of Dave hates strangers." I said as I slammed a fresh clip into my pistol. "Then they're gonna _love_ us."

* * *

It was the next morning, and I was casually strolling around Megaton. Y'know, just taking in the sights, breathing in the fresh air, and just being friendly to all the residents.

"WHORE!" I angrily yelled as I threw empty nuka cola bottles at Moira Brown's store.

Yep, totally friendly.

After I was done redecorating Moira's store, I casually strode on over to Billy and Maggie's house to see what was the plan on our imminent attack on the Republic Of Dave. Imagine my surprise when I saw Billy, decked out in combat armor and an assault rifle slung on his back, feeding an also fully armored and armed pack Brahmin that looked like it was ready to go to war. And Maggie was joyfully jumping up and down on it.

"Careful, Maggie!" I called out as hurriedly walked towards them. "Usually when grenades jingle, then it's a _bad_ sign."

Maggie turned to my direction at the sound of my voice. "Hiiiiiiiiiii, Stupid-name!"

Ahh, Don't you just love children…? Cause' I don't. Maggie's an exception, though.

Billy nodded towards me. "Morning, Lone."

"Hey, Billy. What's with the Brahmin, guns, and armor?" I asked, nodding back. "We're attacking a small settlement, not France."

Billy laughed in response. "They'll probably give up just as easy, though."

"LOL French racism!"

"Haha… seriously though, Lone. We're not attacking some tribals from the west coast." Billy solemnly explained. "These guys out-gun, out-number, and out-…something us. We're gonna have to be prepared."

"…weren't the tribals from the west coast kinda badasses?" I asked, confused.

"Were they? I just remember some vault dweller a long, long time ago killing the _shit_ out of them… anyway, are you with me or not, Lone?" he asked. Holding his hand up for our infamous hi-five.

Which I happily obliged. "Hell yeah, Billy! I'll do whatever you need me to do. Just say the word!"

"Good." Billy said. "Now, I need you to go to the Crater Side supply and get yourself a shotgun and some combat armor from Moira. You're pistol isn't gonna carry you very far."

"… Fuck. No."

Billy sighed. "Come on, man. Moira just got a new shipment of well maintained shotguns _and_ combat armor!"

"...Can I shoot her _with_ the shotgun after I buy it from her?"

"No, Lone. You can't do that." Billy sighed.

After much convincing, Billy finally made me go back to the Crater Side Supply to buy me a new shotgun. I don't really want to go into too many details on how this exchange happened, but it pretty much went like this.

Me: Hey, Moira. I heard you had some new shotguns and combat armor in stock…

Moira Shit-for-brains: oh why yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

Your royal freshness: … Can I buy a shotgun and some combat armor?

Scourge of humanity: Oh why yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yesssssssssss!

Master of Awesomeness: … I hate you. _So_ much.

I then walked out the store, a brand new shotgun on my back, combat armor strapped to my body, and lot of weight off my chest. Wow, who knew telling someone that you despise them can make you feel so… free! Soon after, I met up with Billy, Maggie, and Commander Cobra (which was the brahmin's new name) and we all passed the big gate of Megaton and set off for the Capital Wasteland…!

Wait a minute…

"Billy?" I calmly said. "Why is Maggie coming with us?"

Billy scratched his head in embarrassment. "Oh. Welll, I can't leave her at Megaton and… I just thought she'd be safer with us… hehe?"

I gaped at him in surprise. "Safer? With all the raiders and deathclaws and shit! _Safer_?"

"Haha! You'd be surprised of what Maggie's capable of, Lone." Billy laughed out loud, walking farther from the group to no doubt scout ahead.

I then noticed a seriously dark, evil aura resonating from behind me. I turned around saw that the aura was coming from Maggie, who was riding on top of Commander Cobra.

"Children _never_ die here, Lone Wanderer." She said in this menacing, almost un-human voice. Her face contorting into something that would have been perfect for a Japanese horror movie. It definitely wasn't Maggie's.

"Uhh… M-Maggie?" I asked, scared for once in my life.

But her demented, twisted face suddenly turned into a big, innocent, and bright smile. It was Maggie this time. "What is it, Stupid-name?"

"Uh, nothing… c-can you go on a-ahead? I need to take a breath."

Maggie nodded obediently and ushered Commander Cobra to move along. Leaving me there to stare wide-eyed right after them.

_What the fuck…?_ I thought. _Something tells me this isn't gonna the last I hear from… _her_…_

I then hurried to catch up the group.


	9. Responses and Rocket Launchers

**Announcer: Ladies anddddd Gentlemen! Welcome to the public torture of everyone's favorite not-that-well-known Fanfic writer… Ninjaholic!**

**Bloodthirsty crowd: *Erupts in joy and cheers as they obviously get off on this. Probably.***

**Fanfic Writer: Wait what the hell? How did you guys tie me to this pole? Why am I in a stadium? The only thing I remember was sleeping in my English class!**

**Announcer: Let's just say… Your English teacher just really hates you, Ninjaholic!**

**Fanfic Writer: First of all, my name's Patrick and… Yeah! She really does! But why am I here? I did nothing to you guys!**

**Announcer: Exactly! You've been gone for most of the year, if not all of it! With not one chapter to satisfy the fans of this series! Now we shall dismember you, starting with your actual member!**

**Pissed off female fan #1: Feed it to the dogs!**

**Pissed off male fan #1: Tear it off slowly!**

**Pissed off male fan #2: What the fuck is a member?**

**Mildly annoyed male fan#3: It's his penis, Dick-brain.**

**Pissed off male fan #2:**_** Youre **_**a dick-brain!**

**Fanfic Writer: Hang on, hang on! Before we start ripping off sausages like its Christmas in Germany… I'm really sorry? I kinda have a lot of stuff to do in my life and writing comes second to all that? Plus I have that **_**other**_** Fallout series that I really want to work on and flesh out more? Oh and I edited chapter 1 so it has more jokes and meat to it. For you guys!**

**Crowd and Announcer: Ohhhhhhhh. Okay then. *Leaves stadium***

**Fanfic Writer: Okay then. Umm can someone help me down from here…? Guys? GUYS!**

* * *

**So, before I start the chapter. I want to show appreciation to you guys for sticking with me for this long (3-4 years of sex jokes! Woooo! :D). In all seriousness, I'm going to show my appreciation by responding to some of you guys' reviews from the last chapter. Also, I apologize for anyone I leave out, I'll respond to them at a later chapter, hopefully. Leave a review if you can please! Now, on with the responses!**

**To cally777- I am so happy that you decided to give this fic a second chance and that you're enjoying it. For that I humbly thank you. You are a gentleman and a scholar .**

**To and so on and so forth etc- "Jesus shit nuggets" sound absolutely amazing, you should let me try some :D. I'm glad that you found my fic funny.**

**To CharmedxTrance- I completely agree with you, I always find myself lost reading a great FanFic whenever I'm trying to write my own. And hey, everybody's opinion matters to me… except unicorns, those guys can go f*ck themselves xD**

**To Kumoko235- I'm glad that someone gets the overall formula, or at least part of it lol. I'm glad you like the fic!**

"Rock… Rock… Rock…Giant Radscorpion!"

"Maggie, for the last time, we are _not_ going to play the ghetto wasteland version of _Duck, duck, goose_!" I angrily called over my shoulder as Billy Creel and I rained bullets down at the giant radscorpion.

It wasn't even five minutes of leaving Megaton when Maggie started getting really, _really_ irritating. Not just because I was constantly paranoid that she'd go into _The Ring _mode again and start playing hopscotch using my organs, but also because by the time she finished singing "900 bottles of nuka cola on the wall" I was about ready to shove a Fat Boy down somebody's throat and pull the trigger. But… Even with all that stuff, I still loved the kid, hey she's adorable! Give me some slack!

"Aww, leave her alone, Lone." Billy called from the front of the caravan. "She's just trying to have some fun."

"Billy, word of advice: taking a child to a soon-to-be war-zone is never _fun_!" I angrily shouted as I primed a grenade and threw it behind me towards the general direction of the Giant Radscorpion that we just shot down.

_I wonder if it hit it_ I wondered before I was answered by an explosion that was soon followed by a bunch Radscorpion body parts raining down around me. _Fuck. Yea._

As our rag tag war caravan slowly made our way through the Wasteland to get to The Republic of Dave, braving small groups of raiders, pairs of Yao Guai, random crazy robots, and the occasional talon company mercs that we pass by, we apparently piss them off for some reason…

"That armor is soooooo last season." I dryly commented to a group of Talon Company mercs that we were walking by.

"You did _NOT_ just say that to my face!" A male member screamed out shrilly as he and his squad raised their weapons.

"Dammit, Lone! You forgot to tell them that their hair colors don't match their skin tones _at all!_" Billy yelled out as he un-holstered his assault rifle and let loose a barrage of bullets.

… See? No reason whatsoever.

Anyway, suffice to say, we were a pretty kick ass team. Billy always hung back at took guys down at a distance, or provided cover fire while I got up close and personal with our enemies, shooting them up close with either my shotgun or pistol, or just straight up stabbing and slicing them with my new combat knife that I got off a dead raider. Maggie and Commander Cobra, our armored pack Brahmin, would always use themselves as distractions, bullets would always harmlessly bounced off Maggie and nothing could pierce Commander Cobra's armor. Plus we had plenty of ammunition that we looted from our dead foes.

The Republic of Dave was ours for the taking.

"Hey, Billy!" I called as I ran up to him, eventually catching up and walking side by side with him. It was nighttime so it was hard to see anything. "What exactly is our game plan here? I mean I know The Republic of Dave isn't exactly known for having a strong military and stuff. But we can't just go in there guns blazing!"

Billy raised his eyebrows. "Why not? It worked for us before."

"There's civilians and children there too, Billy." I said solemnly. I could feel my eyes narrow. "We can't risk hurting them, man."

"Gotcha, bro." Billy replied, giving me a thumbs up and a grin. "Let's survey the town and wait and see see what we can come up with."

"Looks like we won't have to wait long. We're here." I said, seeing lights of nearby small settlement not that far in the distance.

* * *

"Good morning, Stupid Name!" Maggie yelled out gleefully as she jumped up and hugged me.

I smiled and ruffled her hair. "And a good morning to you, Mags. Sleep well?"

"Hmm… No not really, I kept dreaming about seeing myself stabbing you mercilessly while you were sleeping. Except I had demonic red eyes." She said, clearly confused. "What does that mean?"

I felt a chill as cold as the arctic north creep up my spine. "No idea, Mags. Hey why don't you take Commander Cobra for walk? Don't go too far okay?"

"Aw, okay." Maggie said in disappointment, climbing onto and ushering the heavily armed Brahmin. "Come on, Captain Cobra."

"That's _Commander_ Cobra, Maggie!" I called out to her as she and Commander Cobra trotted away. "He hasn't been promoted yet!"

We all camped out on a cliff nearby The Republic. It allowed us a safe place to sleep and a good vantage point to spy on the "country" that we would soon conquer.

I walked over to Billy who was scoping out The Republic of Dave with a pair of binoculars. A look of worry was clear on his face.

"What's wrong, Billy?"

"See for yourself." he said as he handed me the binoculars as I crouched down.

At first, I didn't see what he was so worried about, I just saw a small grouping of houses and buildings. But then I looked closer. Raiders. A lot of Raiders. I dont know how I didn't notice them before. They were everywhere in the compound. Some lounging lazily, some patrolling outside of the fence that surrounded The Republic, some were on the roofs of the buildings just keeping a lookout or playing cards or something. All armed. Good thing they didn't have binoculars.

"I counted at least 20 of them, Lone…" Billy said gravely, shaking a little. "I didn't see this coming at all… Maybe we should just turn bac-"

"After coming this far, Billy?" I interrupted him, standing up and dusting my combat armor leggings. "No way. Our goal is right in front of us and we're just gonna turn back just because of some raiders?"

"B-but we're not high enough level for this!" Billy stammered.

I grinned mischievously. "We don't have to be."

I whispered my plan to him. Which caused his eyes to shoot up in surprise and fear.

"… You wouldn't." He whispered.

"But I would!" I laughed maniacally.

"I mean we have one at least, so this plan of yours has a _chance _of working."

"Show it to me." I said, my eyes no doubt gleaming with either joy or sadism. I couldn't even tell anymore.

Billy sighed, but went up and grabbed a huge bag that was next to his sleeping bag. He slowly pulled _it_ out from the bag, making a big show out of it, being all slow and dramatic. I had to admit, for this kind of thing, it was worth it. There it was, sleek yet slightly rusty, it looked like it could take out an old war tank.

I pumped my fist up in the air, "Wooooo! Rocket launcher!"

"It's called a Missile launcher actual-" Billy tried to correct.

"Who cares! Better than nothing! Billy… I'm going to need you to keep an _eye_ on things" I said urgently.

"…" he responded as a deathly silence followed.

"Do you _see_ what I did there…?"

"…"

"Get it? Y'know, cause you have an eye patch and-"

"I _get it_, Lone." He said with barely contained rage. "Now go over there!"

I ran down the hill towards The Republic, giggling a little once in a while at my super special awesome plan. _This_ was gonna be fun!


	10. Naming and Executing plans

Guns? Check. Combat armor at top condition? Check. Giant pile grenades? Check. Pip boy filled with 12 terabytes of Old World pornography…? Oh sweet Helen of Troy yes!

"Operation: Bend Dave Over With Baseball Bats is a go." I announced seriously into my walkie-talkie.

"…That's gay." Billy's voice finally crackled through the walkie-talkie.

"What?"

"That title is literally very gay, Lone."

"Is not!"

"It's like being an extra in Twilight gay."

"… I don't get the reference…"

"… Okay, how about its Freddie Mercury's moustache gay, Lone."

My eyes grew wide as dinner plates. "Freddie Mercury's moustache was gay?!"

"NO! That's not what I…" Billy trailed off, his voice growing aggravated. "Know what? Never mind. The plan has nothing to do with baseball bats anyway!"

"Shhhhh!" I shushed into the walkie-talkie. "No spoilers! I'm already near the compound anyway."

"Got it." Billy sighed, "But be careful with those walkie-talkies, it took me days to repair them after we found 'em."

"Roger." I replied briskly. "I'll update you later."

I quickly pocketed the walkie-talkie and looked up to see the chain linked fence and small buildings that was, The Republic of Dave. It wasn't much to look at in the first place. Three to four buildings and a large fence that surrounded the whole town. Oh and the 20 + raiders that guarded the compound, who were now staring at me as I walked to the main gate. All of their faces were a mix of suspicion and greed. Good thing I looked heavily armed or these guys would have started shooting already.

One them, an ugly dude with a purple mohawk climbed over the fence and walked over to me threateningly… or tried to would be more accurate.

"Whacha' doin out here in the middle of nowhere, pretty boy?" Purple Mohawk sneered, aiming his scoped revolver at my face.

"Oh stop it you!" I cheerfully cried out as I grabbed his arm that had the gun and twisted it to an extremely painful looking angle. "My names The Lone Wanderer and can I name you Darryl?"

"AGGGGGHHHH!" Purple Mohawk screamed, clearly joyful at my naming of him.

I know, Im just _that_ awesome.

"Cool! Thanks, Darryl!" I said happily as I twisted his arm more, and more, and more until I could hear a loud CRACK!

Darryl's eyes went wide before he let out his most loudest and blood curdling scream yet! "_EEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!_"

He screamed a couple more times before I picked up his revolver from the ground and pistol whipped him into unconsciousness. He fell to the ground with a _thud_ and finally the screams stopped, only to be replaced by deathly silence. I look over to the remaining raiders and found them just standing there, stunned, with looks of surprise on their faces.

"So…" I said nonchalantly as I put the scoped revolver into my backpack. "You guys hiring?"

* * *

A bunch of the raiders quickly led me to President Dave's house, which was, predictably, in the center of the whole settlement. Meanwhile, the rest of the raiders were… um, "taking care" of Darryl, and by "taking care" I mean mercilessly beating him to death for being incapacitated so quickly by some random wastelander.

"You know, guys; the point of knocking him unconscious was to _not_ kill him right?" I commented off handedly.

The raiders continued to march on in silence, though one raider offered a shrug, "No one liked him anyway."

And that was that.

We finally reached Dave's house, imagine my surprise when I found that there was this huge dude with short brown hair and a big leather jacket was standing guard. Now, double that surprise when I found out that the big dude was Dave's son Bob.

"Me name Bob!" He barked. "Me son of Dave! Me unique!"

"Actually, you look like every other male Talon Company merc that I killed on the way here." I replied.

He growled in response, not looking happy at all. "Why you here? You see my father?"

I nodded, "Yeah. I needed a job and I figured you guys had it."

"Hmmm." said Bob. "You look strong. Go in."

Glad to see that even the simple minded can see my greatness. Not that it wasn't completely obvious or anything but anyways, I finally get to step into the President's house. It was way more of a trash hole than I imagined. There was litter everywhere and the house was infested with children, who were just doing random things to entertain themselves around the house no doubt. Aside from the children, there were a couple of male raiders lounging around and two women running around trying to entertain the children, prevent said children from hurting themselves, and doing general house chores while the men relaxed.

Boy, society _sure_ has evolved socially over the years, especially for women. Right, you guys?

Sarcasm aside though, the house was a pure mess. The raiders that led me into the house and Bob quickly ushered me into a small office where, sitting behind a desk, with the exact same leather jacket that Bob was wearing, a goatee, and a fully bald head was the one and only, President Dave.

To my surprise, El Presidente jumped up enthusiastically at my entrance. "Welcome, friend! I am so glad to finally meet you!"

"Yeah… Likewise." I said stoically.

"Ah! A humble and soft spoken one I see!" Dave said loudly.

Not even close, buddy.

But I stoically agreed anyway, "Yeah… soft humble or something… likewise."

"He's soooooo cool!" A couple of female raiders in the room yelled as they swooned and then fainted.

President Dave narrowed his eyes. "You _do_ know why I know who you are and what I'm doing with all these raiders right… Lone Wanderer?"

I stared, shrugged, and then nodded. Stoically. "Sure."

"Hahaha, you've been making quite a reputation for yourself in the Capital Wasteland, m'boy." President Dave said as he playfully wagged his finger at me. "Not much, but the bodies of Talon Company mercs and raiders you have left behind are _quite _numerous."

I guess he didn't know that I wasn't doing all those killings alone. Billy, Maggy, and Commander Cobra are as much to blame for those deaths as I am. Oh well, might as well use this to my advantage.

"Yeah… I guess I killed all those guys…"

"Him! Sooo! Cooool!" This time it was Bob who yelled this and then fainted.

"Good to know that my sources can be trusted!" said Dave. "Now, let me explain what's up with all these raiders up in my settlement yo!"

I tilted my head ever so slightly to show that I was listening. "Word."

"Now, I plan to take over the Capital Wasteland with an army of raiders." Dave cheerfully explained. "But not just to take over the Capital Wasteland. But to _take over the Capital Wasteland_."

"… You realize that saying things in italics doesn't change anything right?"

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

It was the most stupidest plan ever and I realized then and there that this man was a complete idiot and that he reminded me of a certain someone who raised me since I was a baby. My father. At the mere thought of him, an aura of rage and blood lust enveloped me, but I quickly hid it due to present company.

"Nothing, never mind." I said quickly, "What… rewards would I get if I helped you accomplish this plan of yours, President?"

"Ah! Glad you asked!" Dave cried out, "Call my two wives over here, please!"

The two women whom I saw earlier quickly entered the room and went to Dave's sides. The one with brown hair went to Dave's right, while then blonde one went to Dave's left. Both of them were now staring at me with interest, hints of lust twinkled in their eyes.

"Let me introduce you my wives." Dave said, he then pointed his wife on his right, "This is wife number 1, or Stupid Wife as we like to call her since she agreed to let me have another wife."

Stupid Wife smiled warmly at me and nodded.

Dave then pointed to the wife on his left. "And this is slutty wife, who wanted to marry me even if I had a wife already!"

Slutty Wife smirked, pulled a purple lollipop from out of nowhere and started licking it seductively. Sigh, so hot and cliché that it burns my loins.

"If you help me make this plan a success, you'll not only be swimming in bottle caps, you can also have a go at slutty wife as many times as you want!" Dave yelled.

"… Can I have Stupid Wife instead? Slutty Wife's cool and all but I'd rather have a prettier and experienced woman." I said, flashing a grin at Stupid wife, who blushed profusely in response.

Dave responded by laughing out loud. "Bold I see! I like that! Fine you can have whoever you want, even both if you're feeling up to it!"

_That_ got the two wives' attention, who were now staring and smiling at me intensely. These poor women, if I was forced to sleep with only Dave then I would sleep with me in a threesome too.

"Then you got yourself a deal, Mr. President." I extended my hand.

"I don't usually hire anyone more handsome than me but youre an exception! Welcome aboard!" clasping my hand in a firm handshake.

* * *

I'm not going to go into detail on what I had to do to earn my right as number one mercenary to Dave and his little army of morons, but let's just say I did a lot of killing, stoic talking, and a little ass kissing. It was all paying off so far, the raiders loved me, Dave loved me, his wives _really_ loved me but were too scared to act up on it, and if I had a clone I would do him, which shows how much I love myself. Everything was right in the world, and going according to plan.

While on patrol, I quickly snuck behind a nearby building and crouched down, slowly taking out my walkie-talkie. I looked around to make sure no one was looking, seeing as the space that I was currently occupying was empty; I let out a small sigh of relief and turned the walkie-talkie on.

"Billy? If you can hear me right now, I'm pretty knee deep in this operation, I'm surrounded and my cover could be blown at any minute and… I could really _die_ here, man…" I paused, closed my eyes real tight, and took a deep breath, finally I started talking again. "Listen, if I don't make it, I just want you to know… I renamed the plan: 'Painfully Penetrate Dave with Baseball Bats'"

"…" I was only answered with silence.

"Bill-?"

"WHAT IS WITH YOU AND GAY ACTIVITIES INVOLVING BASEBALL BATS?!" Billy's voice roared from the walkie-talkie.

"Hey you didn't like the first name so I changed it! What more do you want from me?" I argued, laughing all the while.

"Ughh, whatever…! Anyway, the plan's going well I hope?"

I quickly looked around again to make sure no one was around before answering. "It seems like they trust me… for now. I don't know how much long I can hold onto this façade honestly."

I could hear Billy sigh from the other side of the call, "Everything's already set up on my end, you won't have to keep pretending to be their number one mercenary for long."

"Good to hear, sorry I gave you the hard part of the plan, dude. It must not have been easy."

"Trust me it wasn't." Billy laughed. "But I was lucky and I got what we needed pretty quickly. Hey, remember that Burke douche bag who asked you to detonate the nuke in Megaton?"

"Yeah…" I trailed off.

"Well. _Are you_ going to detonate it?"

I stayed silent and thought really hard for what seemed like hours, when really it was just five minutes. Did I really want to kill everyone in Megaton just for the sake of destroying the one true scourge of the earth: Moira Brown? The answer is yes, I would, but everyone in Megaton is so nice… and less annoying than the inbred inhabitants of vault 101… I made the decision then and there.

"Yeah, I'm detonating it. But, it's not going to kill you, Maggie, or anyone else in Megaton… Just _her_."

"What!?" Billy yelled out, dumbfounded.

"Look, I'll explain at a later chapter, okay? Right now we have to focus on the task at hand! I'll contact you later alright?"

"… Okay, I… I trust you with this, Lone. Don't let me down, Creel out." Billy said before I turned my walkie-talkie off. I stood up and dusted myself off, prepared to do so more espionage before I could hit the sack.

Too bad there was a rifle butt that hit the back of my head and knocked me out cold.


End file.
